Every
New Year people across the country make resolutions to adopt a healthier
lifestyle. Training both body and mind
are popular in the early months of any given new year. There’s no doubt there are numerous benefits
in this resolution, but as you’re planning your weight loss and nutrition goals
consider this: the average human being isn’t the only one looking for
improvement. Other groups want to get fit too:
Zombies
“You
forgot it again? Really dear, you’re
becoming more brain dead than usual.”
“I
know, Honey. It’s just hard to find a
good brain these days. IQ isn’t what it
used to be.”
“Tell
me about it. And you know how low
quality grey matter makes you edgy.”
“Yeah.
You know, I was thinking about going to college. What do you think?”
Vampires
“The
things people put in their bodies these days. Prescription drugs, nicotine,
fast foods. I hate that bloated feeling
high cholesterol gives me.”
“I
know. Give me a good Type O on a high
fiber, low carb diet any day. No carbs is even better because sugar makes me
jittery. Don’t even talk to me about Starbucks!”
“I
especially like those who hit the gym or run every day. That’s good quality.”
“The problem is volume, though. It takes
two exercisers for one couch potato.
“Yes, but portion
control is important to overall health.”
Cannibalistic Serial Killers
“Are
you sure it’s the same guy? I mean, this
one is what 98#? She looks like she
spent more time at the gym with a celery stick than our other victims.”
“It’s
the same MO even if the victimology changed.”
“I
wonder what caused the shift from overweight to anorexic.”
“I
don’t know. Maybe he started a new
diet?”
Witches
“Wow,
what kind of spell are you weaving?”
“Essence
of soccer mom on fad diet.”
“Wow,
who would’ve expected something so amazing,”
“No
kidding, right? And I can eat chocolate cake and hamburgers and still see
instant results."
Werewolves
“Stop
picking your teeth at the dinner table. It’s disgusting.”
“I’m
sorry. It’s just the lean meat is so tough it gets stuck in my molars. Whatever
happened to a juicy thigh or arm?”
“I
know. The fat makes my coat so silky.”
“I
remember how it used to shine in the full moon.”
“You
aren’t attracted to me anymore. I knew
it!”
“No,
dear, I’m just thinking we should move closer to a fast food restaurant.”
I’m
not trying to discourage anybody from wanting to improve their status, both
mentally and physically. But I've read popular literature. I know what's out there. Health is so important, but just know adopting a
healthier lifestyle might actually make you a target. Paranoia should be on the top of your work-out list. When you’re coming out of the gym, keep the mace, garlic and crucifix
ready. Everybody needs a little salt in
their diet—you can use it to form a circle of protection against evil
spells.
Unless
you live next door to a pack of werewolves. In which case, you probably can’t
exercise or run enough. With those
neighbors you might consider investing in silver and joining the NRA. 
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