Sunday, February 10, 2013

Healthy Eating--my 500 word challenge.

            Every New Year people across the country make resolutions to adopt a healthier lifestyle.  Training both body and mind are popular in the early months of any given new year.  There’s no doubt there are numerous benefits in this resolution, but as you’re planning your weight loss and nutrition goals consider this: the average human being isn’t the only one looking for improvement. Other groups want to get fit too:
            “You forgot it again?  Really dear, you’re becoming more brain dead than usual.”
            “I know, Honey.  It’s just hard to find a good brain these days.  IQ isn’t what it used to be.” 
            “Tell me about it.  And you know how low quality grey matter makes you edgy.”
            “Yeah. You know, I was thinking about going to college. What do you think?”

            “The things people put in their bodies these days. Prescription drugs, nicotine, fast foods.  I hate that bloated feeling high cholesterol gives me.”
            “I know.  Give me a good Type O on a high fiber, low carb diet any day. No carbs is even better because sugar makes me jittery. Don’t even talk to me about Starbucks!”
             “I especially like those who hit the gym or run every day.  That’s good quality.”
            “The problem is volume, though.  It takes two exercisers for one couch potato. 
“Yes, but portion control is important to overall health.”

Cannibalistic Serial Killers
            “Are you sure it’s the same guy?  I mean, this one is what 98#?  She looks like she spent more time at the gym with a celery stick than our other victims.” 
            “It’s the same MO even if the victimology changed.”
            “I wonder what caused the shift from overweight to anorexic.”
            “I don’t know.  Maybe he started a new diet?”

          “Wow, what kind of spell are you weaving?”
            “Essence of soccer mom on fad diet.”
            “Wow, who would’ve expected something so amazing,”
            “No kidding, right? And I can eat chocolate cake and hamburgers and still see instant results."

            “Stop picking your teeth at the dinner table. It’s disgusting.”
            “I’m sorry. It’s just the lean meat is so tough it gets stuck in my molars. Whatever happened to a juicy thigh or arm?”
            “I know.  The fat makes my coat so silky.”
            “I remember how it used to shine in the full moon.”
            “You aren’t attracted to me anymore.  I knew it!”
            “No, dear, I’m just thinking we should move closer to a fast food restaurant.” 
            I’m not trying to discourage anybody from wanting to improve their status, both mentally and physically. But I've read popular literature.  I know what's out there.  Health is so important, but just know adopting a healthier lifestyle might actually make you a target.  Paranoia should be on the top of your work-out list. When you’re coming out of the gym, keep the mace, garlic and crucifix ready.  Everybody needs a little salt in their diet—you can use it to form a circle of protection against evil spells. 
          Unless you live next door to a pack of werewolves. In which case, you probably can’t exercise or run enough.  With those neighbors you might consider investing in silver and joining the NRA.

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